Have you ever wanted something so bad that you think about it every single day? Not only that but you cry every night knowing you don’t have that something, because everyone else is walking around with it wherever they go, even if you can’t see it or know for sure that they do. I’ve felt that; matter fact I feel that now. It’s just something you assume that everyone has, but you, without it, might feel alone. 
A solid friendship. At least, I think everyone has at least one because they kind of give off the appearance that they do. I wish I had that right now, because it feels so different without any of it anymore. 
So yesterday, I don’t know if it was a sign or whatever, but I went to this discussion thing where we’re supposed to talk about Jesus. The first thing we talked about was trust, and how many people we gave our absolute trust to. My response? Zero. Now take away family, and how many am I left with? Zero. Now take away friends. Zero. Actually, everyone should have been left with one - God of course! Maybe that’s the problem with me; I’m oblivious. I don’t see what I should see but instead concentrate on one certain part of it. Maybe I’m not so friendless and do have someone around for me…but I honestly have no idea.
School is stupid, and I know that after going through three weeks of it. Everyone’s drifting apart from me because we dont have classes or lunches together. Jacob’s around, and he and girlfriend are pissing a lot of people off, you know neglecting everyone else and all, which means I’m not the only one? Or that I’m the one that got hit hardest. But he acts like he doesn’t realize it and doesn’t care, or like he’s laughing at me at the most. He even told me that since school last year, it was like I’ve “disappeared”. How do I respond to that? How does it take someone so long to realize? I’ve read over the notes we’ve had during classes last year and the things he’s written in my yearbook. I read them, over and over again all the time, and everything he says I think to myself, what a liar. He’s even admitted that he’s probably one of very few people who’s gotten past my walls, and yea he’s right. But is that some kind of checklist for him? Getting past someones walls just to say you were friends, and then totally leaving them astray. Right now it’s hard to even imagine we were once friends like that, but so ridiculous how something like that could go away almost instantly. 
There are a lot of things I want, and that’s just one of it. It’s kind of wrong of me to wish bad on their relationship for my selfish reasons, but I do it anyways sometimes even if things won’t ever be the same, but maybe he’ll realize everything and everyone he should’nt have forgotten about. The worst thing about it is that I don’t know if I can honestly say that I’m not jealous.     

They say that before you die, you’ve touched the lives of hundreds of people whether you know it or not. It affects people on either a large or small scale, for better or for worse. Take notice of that. Sometimes I take the things people say seriously and strech it into all kinds of assumptions that bottle up inside my head. Sometimes people don’t even realize what’s been said until it comes back around for them to hear it again. But a lot of times people say things that’ll have me doubting my existence around them. No I’m not depressed, but I knew someone who was because he felt that he no longer had a purpose in life. Things that he was repeatedly told added to his idea of no longer living, and that goes to show that the things you say to people do affect them, for better or for worse. I guess this is where you can say that I can be a cynic. Those friends whom I thought I was once close with really have drifted apart from me, even when I try to pull them back. It’s like a feeling of rejection and heart break when someone else is oblivious enough to tell you of the adventures they’ve experienced without you, or hiding what’s been planned behind your back to slowly get rid of you. It may seem like nothing, but I’m doubting this new school year. I guess it’s a good thing there’s about a month left to somehow fix it all. Actually I already think that plans to fix anything have already scheduled my own disappointment. I’ve considered transferring, you know, to a school where I know nearly nobody in hopes that they’d appreciate you, and where their words will pick you up a little everyday. And maybe, I’ll find people much like myself when it comes to supporting the other in happiness.

Summer always comes around when you most need it, like when a whole school year has ended. You know, after working so hard for eight or nine months it seems so sweet taking a break from it all, and the drama that comes along with high school. The thing that sucks about it though, is that sometimes you end up drifting apart from people who you were once close with, or whom you thought so. So just a few days ago I was hanging out with a friend of mine, but the setting wasn’t exactly the typical setting you’d expect to see between “just friends”. It was an outdoor movie, at sunset, in Old Town, Alexandria. Just the two of us, and if you know what I’m talking about you can probably picture it as maybe a date. Me and Jacob are really close friends I guess, but around school so many people thought we were secretly in love or that we liked each other or were dating even; anything along those lines. I guess there’s not much of a problem with that, except that he has a girlfriend and assumptions like these cause problems in that kind of a relationship. Me and her are actually pretty tight, I guess. I mean I consider it tight because we’re in that same foursome group of friends. This summer though, we’ve drifted apart, and I’ll be brutally honest I have always been one to fake and miss out on all of our hang outs and gossip sessions, but it’s been like that long before summer started. Everytime I miss out, they pretend like it wasn’t anything exciting, but until that Friday that I was out with Jacob, I found out what most of their hang out conversations consisted of. I mean from here you probably already know what I’m gonna say: that they’re concerned that I may be a threat to him and his girlfriend? He says that she worries that one day, he’ll end up liking me over her But it’s based off of silly little things like how he would be walking with me around school if she’s not around or that he compares how I wear things to the way she wears them. No suprise though, it was kinda expected that girls would get insecure about their boyfriend’s-best-friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl. I actually wasn’t shocked to hear them think things like these, because I’ve noticed those looks they give each other when I talk to him. But it is heartbreaking to find out how two-faced they act around me. As that kind of friend you’d expect to hear the situation from the mouth of the person who invented the concern, especially if they’re that kind of friend. I’m not one to be a back-stabber to run off with my best friend’s man, but apparently other people don’t believe so. I’ve created this whole speech in my head of what I’m going to say to her in attempt to prove her I’m no threat, but all I need now is the guts to say it without getting upset about the amount of trust I don’t have from her. Well I’m telling you right now, nothing did happen on that Friday that she should really be worrying about, and as long as it makes most other people happy, I won’t be around him for awhile.

Silence… You say a lot when you keep your mouth shut. You know there are so many things that I just don’t open up about almost in fear of embarrassement, and usually it’d be the things that can really tell people about who I am. I’m not super emotional, but I will say that I’m a sensitive kind of person. So many people will think I’m thick because of the way I take and return jokes or insults, but comments and criticism like those linger in my head until I let it all out in tears one day. There are days where I wish people knew what I was thinking because I’m suffering so much on the inside. Today, I was even told that I don’t open up to people enough, which I totally agree with, but at the same time I’m trying to find the right person to share it with. I’ll admit, a lot of times I exaggerate the reasons for why I should feel sorry for myself sometimes, because I try to hide my own sadness while I’m helping make everyone else happy. Honestly, when it’s my turn to be made happy I don’t think people even put in half the effort that I do because they think I’m satisfied with anything that’s given to me. It’s things like this that I force myself to hold up a fake smile for everyone to think that i can never be disappointed. There’s no one here for me to vent to, but that’s the purpose I’m hoping that this tumblr will be for me.